Chapter 1: Understanding Self-Love

Exploring the concept of loving oneself can be challenging, especially if it doesn’t come naturally. In my previous article, I emphasized the critical role self-love plays in achieving inner peace and avoiding harm. This led me to a thought-provoking piece from Got Questions, a reliable source for biblical insights, which stated that loving ourselves is our inherent position. While I can see the intent behind this notion—aiming to distance from the destructive self-obsession seen in narcissism—I find it misleading.

For many, that innate love might be hidden beneath layers of emotional insecurity, shaping their self-identity. So, what if self-love isn’t your default state? This might suggest a tendency toward self-loathing. While “hate” may seem an extreme term, it’s indeed the antithesis of love. The manifestation of self-hatred varies from person to person. It could be reflected in your social circle, your daily habits, or even how you converse with yourself, both internally and externally. I’ve witnessed a loved one chastising themselves with phrases like:

"Oh, you silly woman!"

"You're so st-u-u-pid!"

I understand this struggle; my self-criticism is a work in progress. For instance, if I wake up late, I often indulge in negative self-talk, berating myself with damaging phrases on repeat. Although it may seem trivial, such thoughts can have profound effects. Imagine how detrimental it would be to belittle a child in your life. Holding onto failures as indicators of being “bad” can severely damage our self-worth and affect our relationships.

When our “default position” becomes one of constant self-doubt and harsh judgment, we may find ourselves scrutinizing every action, tone, and expression. Instead of practicing self-compassion during tough times, we might resort to harsh self-critique. If the absence of love isn’t necessarily hate, perhaps it is fear.

Is fear at play here?

Consider this: "There is no fear in love. Perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment." My belief is that God embodies love, and while His actions in the scriptures may seem severe, they are ultimately rooted in love rather than punishment. Love celebrates truth, regardless of how difficult it may be.

Often, our fears are deceptive—stemming from the fear of rejection, inadequacy, or misunderstanding. Aligning ourselves with fear, anxiety, and doubt creates a chasm between us and God, distancing us from recognizing our strengths and opportunities for growth.

The absence of self-love could stem from a mixture of fear and self-hatred, both of which compel a person to engage in negative self-talk and accept mistreatment from others. However, even if these learned behaviors form our emotional baseline, it doesn’t mean we are forever bound to them.

Can we alter our “default position”?

Upon recognizing dysfunctional traits within myself, I embarked on a journey toward self-love, but initially struggled to find clear guidance on what healthy self-love truly looks like. While many spoke of it, few defined or modeled it effectively. Yet, I eventually discovered glimpses of what self-love entails, which became clearer as I engaged in challenging new experiences.

Imagine combining positive self-talk with the five love languages proposed by Gary Chapman. What if you dedicated a month to practicing acts of service for yourself? This could include spending quality time, nurturing your body, or gifting yourself non-material joys that resonate with your inner child.

If you find yourself grappling with an unexplained void despite external successes, confront those damaging core beliefs. This confrontation is essential for cultivating self-love and establishing a new default mindset, which can help dissolve fear and its accompanying self-punishment, drawing you nearer to the version of yourself envisioned by God.

A practice that has benefitted me is nurturing positive self-talk upon waking. When faced with the day's demands, I often feel reluctant to rise. Yet, I remind myself, "It's time to wake up, sweetie. You can do this." This practice has fostered a closer connection to self-love and reshaped my perspective on daily tasks, alleviating the pressure to fulfill every obligation rigidly.

If I need to adjust my study time from an hour to thirty minutes, I allow myself that flexibility without excessive guilt. The choice of words in your morning self-talk is personal, but adopting a warm, nurturing tone can be transformative.

After committing to wake up after my final snooze, I grabbed a book to read for thirty minutes, focusing on that rather than succumbing to the temptation of sleep. This intentional self-talk and structure empowered me to embrace the day ahead.

If self-love isn’t your starting point, you can pivot to a new one whenever you choose. Embracing this change can positively influence every aspect of your life, gradually replacing any lingering sadness with a dynamic sense of self rooted in love—an enduring force that "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things."

Thank you for taking the time to read this essay; your support means a lot to me.

Dee :)

Chapter 2: Nurturing the Self

In this chapter, we will explore practical ways to cultivate self-love and compassion in our daily lives.

Stop Trying to Love Yourself! – In this video, Jeff Foster discusses the journey of awakening to genuine self-love, emphasizing the importance of acceptance over striving for perfection.

Chapter 3: Practical Steps to Self-Compassion

We will delve into actionable strategies that can help you practice self-love effectively.

The Easiest Way to Practice Self-Love & Self-Compassion – This video offers simple yet powerful techniques to integrate self-love into your daily routine.