Chapter 1: Embracing Change After Loss

Many readers and clients have inquired about the resources I utilize to navigate both grief and joy. I will regularly share helpful suggestions while encouraging you to contribute your own experiences.

During the challenging, isolating moments of the pandemic, I penned my book, Grieving Us: A Field Guide for Living With Loss Without Losing Yourself. Throughout this process, I frequently encountered a pressing question:

How can I cope with loss while still preserving my identity?

It's important to recognize that some loss of self is inevitable. Our identities are deeply intertwined with those we love, whether they are human or animal. Consequently, the death of a loved one brings forth a transformed version of ourselves.

However, change is a constant in life—loss is not the only catalyst for transformation. Simply living leads to evolution. If you reflect on a photograph from a decade or two ago, the changes are evident. Yet, envisioning your future self is far more challenging.

Grief often pulls us into the past, fixating on what once was and yearning to reclaim it. Have you experienced this feeling? It’s much harder to conceive of your future self and the possibilities that lie beyond grief. You might feel incapable of change or happiness again, especially without your cherished loved one.

Yet, it’s crucial to remember that you are an evolving project, always in progress.

As a dedicated caregiver for several years, with significant losses both in my past and looming in my future, I’ve learned that you can intentionally shape your future self. If you've participated in my workshops or read my work, you may have heard me emphasize the importance of establishing a Feeling Intention and formulating a Becoming Promise.

By setting an intention and acting on it, you can find your way back after experiencing loss. Below are five resources designed to support and uplift you on this journey.

Resource 1: Big Read

Be Your Future Self Now: The Science of Intentional Transformation by Benjamin Hardy. While this book may seem tailored for younger individuals pondering their futures, it serves anyone feeling adrift and seeking direction. Hardy compellingly argues that "humans are not driven by the past but rather pulled forward by a future we're committed to," offering insights particularly valuable during grief.

Resource 2: Little Read

Becoming the Person You Were Meant to Be by Anne Lamott. I have long admired Anne's writing. Having read most of her nonfiction and even one novel, I feel a personal connection to her. I once encountered her at a writer's conference when her fame was just beginning. I recently stumbled upon a delightful piece she wrote online; I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Resource 3: Listen

Bittersweet: The Hidden Riches in Sorrow and Longing, featuring author Susan Cain in conversation with Tami Simons on the November 1, 2022, episode of Insights from the Edge. They discuss the significance of sorrow and the distinction between moving forward and moving on. Their dialogue explores how curiosity about your longings can unlock new opportunities in your life.

Resource 4: Watch

The Psychology of Your Future Self by Daniel Gilbert. In just under seven minutes, this insightful TED Talk addresses the "end of history illusion" that often plagues those dealing with loss and trauma.

Resource 5: A Poem for Reflection

The poem "Love After Love" has resonated with me for decades, revealing new insights each time I engage with it. It reminds us that the only constant throughout our lives is ourselves. Derek Walcott, a pioneering Caribbean poet, received the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1992.

Love After Love

The time will come

when, with elation,

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror

and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread, Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

One Next Step: Take a moment to breathe deeply, close your eyes if it feels comfortable, and envision yourself six months or a year from now. Picture a version of yourself thriving and experiencing greater well-being than you do now. Although it may be difficult, allow yourself to visualize how you want your future self to feel and be. Don’t restrict your imagination or let doubts about feasibility cloud your vision.

Now, from the perspective of this future self, compose a brief letter to your current self, sharing what life is like for you and the one action you took to arrive there. Store this letter somewhere safe yet easily accessible. Then, set a reminder to revisit it in six months or a year. Reflect on your progress and the surprises that may arise.

Your Input Matters: I would love to hear about the resources that are currently aiding you. Please share your insights in the comments below. Together, we can broaden the array of tools for navigating grief and reimagining life after loss.

Chapter 2: Future Self Visualization

This video titled How To Get The Future You Want! presents practical strategies to envision and achieve your desired future.

Chapter 3: Mindset Transformation

The video 7 Steps To Create the Future You Want and Change Your Mindset Forever With Roxie Nafousi outlines actionable steps to shift your mindset and create a brighter future.