Bufo Alvarius: The Psychedelic Toad and Its Cosmic Teachings

I find myself confronted with a daunting challenge. Just two weeks ago, I encountered the most potent substance I've ever experienced: Bufo Alvarius.

The psychoactive element, 5-meO-DMT, boasts a strength that is four to six times greater than DMT, one of the most powerful psychedelics known to humanity.

Documenting my psychedelic journeys has been a crucial part of my integration process, possibly the most vital practice of all. Yet, as I attempt to articulate my latest experience, I find myself at a complete loss.

No words, thoughts, or writings can adequately capture what I went through.

Nonetheless, I will make an attempt. This endeavor to find the right language has always aided me in finding meaning, and today I am hopeful it will assist me once more. I invite you to join me on this journey, aware that what I express may not resonate with you, and perhaps it won't even make complete sense to me.

5-meO-DMT: A Gateway to Profound Mystical Experiences

5-meO-DMT is a remarkably powerful psychedelic belonging to the tryptamine family, which includes DMT, psilocybin, and LSD. This compound is naturally found in the venom of the Bufo Alvarius toad, also known as the Sonoran Desert toad or Colorado River toad, native to northern Mexico and the southwestern United States.

To extract 5-meO-DMT, the toad's venom is gently squeezed from its glands without causing harm. The resulting secretion is then dried and smoked through a glass pipe.

The experience typically begins within seconds of inhalation and leads to a mystical state lasting about 20 minutes. Many individuals report encounters with a divine presence or an experience of "pure cosmic consciousness." Though a single session of 5-meO-DMT has been linked to neurogenesis, research in this area remains limited.

The toad gained wider recognition when boxing champion Mike Tyson discussed it on The Joe Rogan Experience:

> “I came across this thing called the toad. I smoked this medicine, drug, whatever you want to call it, and I’ve never been the same. I look at life differently, I look at people differently. It’s almost like dying and being reborn… It’s inconceivable. I tried to explain it to some people, to my wife, I don’t have the words to explain it. It’s almost like you’re dying, you’re submissive, you’re humble, you’re vulnerable — but you’re invincible still in all.”

As interest in the toad has surged, conservationists warn that this species is at risk of extinction, leading to its classification as endangered in certain areas. Although synthetic alternatives exist that some claim offer similar experiences, it is vital for those seeking the natural compound to source it responsibly. My guide, for instance, procured the medicine from two reputable doctors in Mexico who have worked closely with indigenous communities for over a decade and have established a conservation foundation for the toads.

My Intention: A Quest for Self-Connection

I had the chance to experience this medicine with a trusted practitioner in an all-women’s circle. We commenced with a Rapé ceremony, a sacred non-psychedelic tobacco from the Amazon.

My intention for this ceremony was to reconnect with my true self. In recent weeks, I had felt unsettled, caught in patterns of striving and seeking, convinced I needed to change something within or acquire something external.

Another theme I had been exploring was the concept of unconditional love. After considerable inner work, I had reached a point where I could genuinely affirm my own self-love. Still, a lingering doubt remained about whether others could love and accept me in the same way.

Despite my strange mindset, I felt excited and spiritually curious about exploring the truth of consciousness and the universe. I wasn’t anxious; I believed that surrendering to the experience would yield profound insights. I also had no idea what to expect, a naivety for which I am now grateful; had I known the intensity of the journey ahead, I might have hesitated.

My Cosmic Journey: Fear, Dissolution, Beauty, and Bliss

As the second participant, I eagerly settled cross-legged in front of my guide, centered on a fringed blanket adorned with colorful sacred geometry. She handed me a small glass vial containing the powdered medicine, which I pressed to my heart for a moment to attune to my intention. She gently reminded me to invite the medicine to reveal its teachings.

I then breathed deeply and slowly as my guide prepared and ignited the pipe. Moments later, the pipe touched my lips, and I began inhaling the pungent smoke.

This part was challenging; I inhaled until I felt completely full, yet was urged to continue. As someone who had quit smoking, this was unexpectedly difficult. Holding the smoke felt even more uncomfortable.

Within seconds, the experience commenced. The last conscious thought I registered was my body collapsing to the ground.

I have little memory of what transpired during the first ten minutes. Time and space vanished in an instant, along with my sense of self. I simply existed in that moment, devoid of thoughts, but the experience was anything but pleasant; it was profoundly terrifying. The specifics of what made it so distressing remain elusive.

Unlike ayahuasca, which often includes a purging aspect for release, this journey offered no such relief; one must simply endure and push through.

Surrender has always been vital for me in navigating these experiences, yet here it felt irrelevant. I was not present in the usual sense; there was nothing or no one to surrender.

I still don’t know what occurred during those ten minutes. I could have screamed, rolled, or cried out — I have no way of knowing. When I turned to lie on my side and cautiously opened one eye, my guide was beside me, softly saying, “I want you to smoke a little bit more.”

My instinctive response was, “Absolutely not, that was terrifying!” I could only manage to say, “I can’t.”

Leaning closer, my guide whispered, “You’re on the brink of a significant breakthrough; I can see it. You just have to go back in one more time. Trust the process.”

I sat up and, without overthinking it, began to deepen my breath for another round. I have immense trust in my guide; she knows me, and I know she understands the medicine.

My second inhale was equally uncomfortable, but I aimed to hold it longer, believing that might have curtailed my previous experience.

The last conscious moment I noted before the next wave began was that the physical act of holding my breath wasn’t the source of discomfort; rather, it was the consequences of that action. I longed for it to end but pushed through, holding it in as long as possible before collapsing back to the floor.

Once again, I was thrust into the terrifying void. However, this time, I sensed that something was attempting to emerge, something that yearned to shift. A counter force resisted, likely my thinking mind and ego, the very things that had trapped me in that void previously. This time, however, would be different.

As I dissolved into everything and nothing simultaneously, I found myself at what I can only describe as the center of the universe — pure cosmic consciousness.

The intensity of this shift took time (though there was no concept of time) to fully comprehend. And then it dawned on me: it was beauty.

In a previous ayahuasca ceremony, I learned that love is the universe's essence. Bufo revealed that this is indeed true, but with added depth.

Beauty is the fabric of the universe, and the experience of beauty is love.

For the remainder of my journey, I immersed myself in an indescribable experience of beauty. I recognized that I am part of the universe's fabric, a direct manifestation of that beauty.

Repeatedly, I felt overwhelmed and pulled away, only to realize that the forces drawing me back were the very elements resisting acceptance of that ultimate truth and beauty — all the reasons and experiences that challenged that reality. None returned as distinct thoughts; it was simply a visceral encounter with everything at once.

I asked the medicine to help me release all of it. The more I surrendered, the more beauty I encountered. As I gradually regained some level of (still altered) consciousness, my thoughts shifted from “take away everything that obstructs” to “now show me how beautiful I am.”

And the medicine did reveal this to me. Tears streamed down my face.

“Of course. How could I have forgotten?”

This insight flowed through me as a profound remembering, as if I had once known this truth. It was both alien and familiar. I melted into the bliss and beauty of the moment, embracing the realization that beauty lies at the core of all existence. Beauty is the essence of the universe, and since I am a manifestation of that universe, my essence is beauty as well.

A few moments later, I opened my eyes to find my guide smiling gently at me.

Her gaze conveyed understanding; she had always known, and now I knew too. This woman has been a guiding light in my journey with plant medicine. She emanates pure love, and I know I am not alone in feeling this way about her. I recognized that her ability to radiate such love comes from her capacity to see beauty in herself and in everything around her.

Resurfacing and Integrating the Experience

In the days following my journey, I experienced a whirlwind of emotions. Each night, I returned to the medicine in my dreams, often finding myself in fields of universal consciousness, sometimes in the void, and other times enveloped in beauty. I would spontaneously burst into tears of gratitude and awe during my daily walks or while listening to music.

I wish I had taken time off to process this experience; I underestimated its impact. Instead, I returned immediately to a busy workweek and a trip to New York. Yet, I discovered an invitation to recognize beauty in the hectic moments and in the diverse humanity that New York offers.

This experience, like previous ones — perhaps even more so — will demand intentional integration efforts, which I have yet to define. The simplest practice I can adopt is to seek beauty in everything around me daily.

And most importantly, in myself.

As the toad helped me explore, “What if I truly am the most beautiful thing in the world?”

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