# Embracing Boundaries: Navigating Guilt and Self-Care
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Chapter 1: Understanding Guilt and Boundaries
Setting personal boundaries has always been a significant challenge for me, primarily due to feelings of guilt and fear of not being helpful enough. This internal conflict often led me to question my worth, thinking, "Am I a bad person?" However, I’ve recently realized that striving to be true to myself is far more valuable than the pursuit of being perceived as a "good person."
I’ve been on a transformative journey, influenced by years of therapy, self-development, and even the humorous “villain era” memes circulating online. As I enter my 40s, I’m beginning to feel more confident in my ability to establish boundaries. I won’t claim to be an expert yet, but I can certainly say that I am actively setting them, and it feels liberating.
At first, I didn’t even recognize that I struggled with boundaries. The concept seemed vague and hard to grasp; I merely believed I was a helpful person who often felt exhausted. I want to share some real-life examples of boundaries being set—both by me and my clients—to illustrate what this looks like in practice. Following these examples, I’ll provide tips on coping with the guilt that often follows boundary-setting.
Examples of Personal Boundaries
Here are some anonymized instances of boundaries being established in my life and others':
- When someone I barely know contacts me via email or social media to hang out or ask for a favor, I've begun choosing not to respond. This has been a significant step for me, even though it stirs feelings of guilt and selfishness.
- I’ve ceased offering discounts for my courses when students request extensions, which previously resulted in administrative headaches.
- A client faced pressure from a visitor who wanted to meet late at night, despite their early morning plans. They ultimately had to assertively decline, even after repeated insistence.
- A friend with anxiety has depended on my support, but I’ve started to step back and not respond to every message when I’m unable or uninterested.
- I recently agreed to an activity with my boyfriend but changed my mind last minute, staying true to my feelings despite his annoyance.
- A peer has taken steps to use protection during casual encounters, highlighting the importance of sexual boundaries.
- A former client requested access to course materials post-relationship, and I firmly declined.
You might wonder why these examples seem trivial. For someone recovering from codependency and people-pleasing, establishing what may appear to be normal boundaries can feel monumental. The guilt and self-doubt that arise can be overwhelming.
The Emotional Cost of Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries often comes with the price of guilt and shame. You may feel these emotions initially, or someone who has benefited from your lack of boundaries may attempt to instill guilt in you. As I grow more accustomed to asserting my boundaries, I focus on acknowledging and processing these feelings.
I encourage you to explore somatic methods to help navigate these emotions. Guilt, shame, and fear manifest physically, and we may compromise our boundaries just to avoid feeling uncomfortable.
To increase my tolerance for guilt, I’ve found several practices helpful:
- Engaging in daily nervous system exercises, including breathing techniques and somatic practices.
- Connecting with nature, enjoying salt baths, and maintaining energetic boundaries.
- Utilizing EFT tapping.
- Dancing and visualizing guilt leaving my body through movement.
- Holding ice cubes in my hands to confront feelings of guilt without reverting to self-abandonment.
- Reminding myself that asserting my needs is a fundamental human right through affirmations.
- Reflecting on whether I would impose guilt on a child in the same situation, reinforcing that I deserve compassion, too.
- Choosing a role model and listing reasons why they wouldn't feel guilty in my position.
- Journaling to my inner child, outlining how I will protect her from guilt or shame when asserting my boundaries.
- Practicing being misunderstood and refraining from over-explaining my choices.
While navigating boundaries and guilt can be challenging, the effort is worthwhile. For those who delve into astrology, my journey reflects a need to cultivate routines and stability, as indicated by my astrological nodes. This lifelong lesson involves learning to establish boundaries rather than dissolving them.
Despite the hurdles, I’m making progress, and so can you.
Discover strategies to overcome guilt associated with boundary setting in this insightful video: "Feel Guilty For Setting Boundaries? Here's How to Stop - Terri Cole."
Explore the dynamics of guilt trips and boundaries in this enlightening video: "Guilt trips and BOUNDARIES: when they make you feel bad for holding the bottom line."