Chapter 1: The Weight of Existence

There's an overwhelming sense that I shouldn't be here, a painful feeling that lingers without resolution.

Trigger warning: This article discusses themes of depression and suicidal thoughts.

I’m being candid when I say that I often feel as though my existence is unwarranted. Despite my efforts to cultivate self-love, there remains a profound emptiness that I cannot fill. Growing up in an environment marked by emotional abuse, I mistakenly learned to equate toxicity with love, thinking that a nurturing relationship was present when it was not.

Lately, I’ve been grappling with intense loneliness, which starkly highlights how isolated I have felt throughout my life. Even in the company of friends, I struggle to feel genuinely supported or included. I suspect this stems from a subconscious attempt to substitute the love I lacked with any emotional connection from new acquaintances, a strategy that ultimately fails.

I possess a certain level of self-awareness that allows me to manage most of these emotions; however, during my deepest bouts of depression, clarity eludes me. It feels nearly impossible to regain perspective when enveloped in darkness. Sometimes, even the simplest tasks, like making my bed, become a monumental challenge. Yet, I am still here, and I guess that counts for something.

I feel tainted, as if a deep-seated illness permeates my being. If I could purge this feeling, I would, but it’s not that simple. I often sense I lack the right to occupy this space on Earth, even though I know that’s not true. It's akin to a computer hard drive corrupted by viruses, still attempting to function normally. I desperately need some emotional support to clear away this toxicity.

To all those who have endured the challenges of having a narcissistic parent, I see you. While I may not fully comprehend the depths of your suffering, I empathize and want you to know that I am here for you. Writing about narcissistic abuse serves a dual purpose: it aids others on their healing journeys and helps me articulate my own experiences.

My healing path is dotted with good days and bad days, and I must remain present through it all, though it often feels insurmountable. Recently, I’ve come to terms with the extent of the emotional abuse I faced during my upbringing, leading me to sever ties for my well-being. This decision has brought forth not only sorrow but also intense feelings of rage that I find challenging to confront.

Do you recall the pivotal moment in 'Breaking Bad' when Hank discovers he’s been pursuing Walt all along, culminating in a physical confrontation? That’s where I find myself emotionally. This betrayal weighs heavily on me, and forgiveness feels far out of reach. The struggle is particularly acute when the source of pain is someone you’re biologically tied to, someone who should ideally provide unconditional love. The absence of this foundational connection ripples through every future relationship, deeply affecting how I engage with others.

As I work on my sense of belonging, I recognize how being perceived as a mere tool for someone else's gain fosters feelings of worthlessness. I’ve traversed life not recognizing my own value. Even now, when someone expresses appreciation for something I’ve done, it feels alien, as if I don’t deserve their kindness. This uncomfortable sentiment lingers in the background, akin to a scratched record that won’t stop playing.

Perhaps some wounds are too profound to heal completely. Maybe we will always carry scars that occasionally reopen and bleed. The only option left is to channel this pain into something constructive, and that’s the path I choose. If I’m unable to help myself right now, I at least want to support others.

Nevertheless, the reality remains: some days are pure hell.

For now, maintaining faith is my only recourse, and at least that’s something.

Thank you for taking the time to read my reflections! 🙏

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DISCLAIMER: This article is not a substitute for professional mental health support or diagnosis. Please consult a healthcare professional if you find yourself struggling with the issues discussed herein. The information presented is general and does not guarantee healing outcomes.

Chapter 2: Understanding Emotional Turmoil

The first video, "I Shouldn't Be Here," delves into the struggles of feeling unwelcome in one's own life, resonating with themes of loneliness and emotional pain.

The second video, "I Shouldn't Be Here," continues to explore the nuances of existential despair and the journey through emotional healing.