Chapter 1: The Weight of Anticipation

It's hard to believe December is still so far away.

The media landscape in the U.S. has been entirely absorbed by the looming presidential election for the past year. Unfortunately, we still have another 220 days to endure before the votes are cast. After enduring the Republican primaries, we are faced with over seven more months of campaigning. To make matters worse, both major political parties still have substantial funds left to bombard us with a deluge of campaign ads leading up to November 5.

Author's Note: This piece is intended as political satire. I have no party affiliation; my only desire is to support the right to celebrate, and the Beastie Boys have not declared their candidacy this year.

Whether you choose to vote or abstain, it seems many Americans are akin to unwitting subjects in Milgram’s famous shock experiments. How can we be so sure? The media is filled with stories to back this sentiment:

• The Great Tune-Out of 2024
• A Spiritual Politics for Burned-Out Christians
• Anti-Trump Burnout: The Resistance is Exhausted
• Fighting Election Season Burnout, Focusing on Why We Vote (Source: Pew Research Center)

If even the Christian community is feeling drained by the constant election updates, what hope is there for the rest of us? Can they not pray for a cessation of this coverage? I had hoped they would inspire us with uplifting hymns outside polling stations to invigorate our voting spirit, but it appears they are unaware that modern-day Hell resembles our current election season.

The Democratic Party appears to be in dire need of revitalization. As suggested in a recent NYT article, perhaps a rebranding to "The Resistance" could boost their appeal. They are attempting to enhance voter engagement by reviving grassroots initiatives and canvassing neighborhoods. However, after a long day of walking, facing aggressive dogs, and dealing with slammed doors, it's no wonder they seem fatigued. Just ask the Jehovah's Witnesses; they’ve been navigating that weariness for years.

Republicans, skewing older, must also be feeling the strain, especially if they’re struggling to stay awake past their bedtime. Their new Young Republicans initiative seems aimed at rejuvenating their ranks, although it might also serve to cultivate a new generation of loyal supporters. There’s a divide within the party, with one faction favoring the candidate who lost four years ago, while the other seeks fresh leadership. It’s easy to see how this internal conflict might contribute to their exhaustion. If you find yourself disillusioned with the likely party nominee, you may be experiencing a political form of Stockholm Syndrome.

Even Vanity Fair’s models are expressing fatigue over the election cycle, indicating that this malaise has infiltrated the general populace. The magazine has become my sole reading material in the checkout line, where I seek to distract myself with some B12 and B6 to combat fatigue. After absorbing their political commentary, I inevitably find myself back in the vitamin aisle, loading up on Omega-3s and Vitamin C—just in case recounts are necessary.

The U.S. is home to a plethora of billionaires who seem to evade taxes and are eager to make political donations for the sake of tax write-offs. Where else can they dispose of their wealth without making a tangible impact on the elections? The Green Party has gone largely silent since Ralph Nader’s fourth defeat in 2008; their apathy is palpable. Surprisingly, they claim to have a candidate this time around, although it’s hard to believe they’ll outshine any write-in favorites.

Now, with RFK, Jr. entering the race as an independent, we wonder how he will find airtime amidst the two frontrunners who dominate media coverage. Thankfully, there are countless cable channels and streaming platforms, as well as local events like VFW halls and county fairs, where he might engage with voters.

If you thought the news couldn’t get any more overwhelming, brace yourself for a surprise fourth candidate from the "No Labels" party. Are we about to resurrect Ross Perot, or will Jesse Ventura stage another miraculous upset like his gubernatorial victory in Minnesota? This party could serve as another avenue for tax deductions.

For the average American, this all translates to more advertisements, more sound bites, more debates, and an increase in anxiety levels. Faculty at institutions like James Madison, Stanford, and Indiana State University are raising alarms about the stress voters are under. However, the media seems more focused on counting the overflowing cash from political donations rather than addressing our collective mental health. Even political journalists at Politico, typically optimistic, recognize we’re nearing an emotional breaking point. The BBC confirms that Americans are yearning for an escape, especially when we have a monarch to distract us from elections.

Chapter 2: Coping Mechanisms for Political Fatigue

Video Description: A deep dive into the emotional toll of political defeat and how it impacts individuals.

As we reach this peak of burnout, what can we do to cope until November 5?

First, consider seeking refuge in a neighbor's bunker. I’d load up on canned goods and hibernate until 2025. Unfortunately, my job doesn’t afford me that luxury, and the cell reception in a fallout shelter is notoriously poor.

One obvious strategy to alleviate election-related anxiety is to curtail your social media consumption. Platforms like Facebook and X will be inundated with political ads. Instead of scrolling online, reach out to friends or family directly—call or visit them, or even write a letter. Remember, there were ways to communicate before the age of tweets and posts.

If the constant stream of political radio ads gets you down, invest in a music streaming service for a year or explore your existing music collection. Go retro with vinyl or CDs, or dig out those Blu-r