Chapter 1: Understanding Workplace Boundaries

Establishing boundaries in a professional environment begins with asserting your needs and learning to say "no."

During a recent meeting in the conference room, my team and I faced a daunting annual project that everyone dreaded. It was a task that got passed around like a hot potato each year, and it was always a struggle to determine who would take it on. Having already led this project twice, I was reluctant to volunteer again, yet a colleague was pushing me to do so.

"Jennifer, you're exceptional at this. I think you should take the lead once more," they insisted.

"No, I prefer not to lead this project this year," I replied. Saying this was a challenge for me; my heart raced, yet I stood firm. I knew that accepting this responsibility again would lead to dissatisfaction and burnout.

"But you're the most skilled person for it!"

"While I did well in my previous attempts, I have other commitments this year, and I believe it's best for someone else to take charge."

A heavy silence filled the room until another teammate finally spoke up, "If no one else wants to take it, I can handle it this year."

The decision was made to assign the project to this willing volunteer. I felt a wave of relief wash over me, knowing I had sidestepped an unwanted burden. I realized that if I had acquiesced, I would have likely felt resentful, and my work quality would have suffered. That experience taught me a vital lesson: maintaining my boundaries is essential for my well-being and professional growth. My team respected my choice, and a fair solution was reached. If I had given in, my colleagues would have understood the unfairness but likely wouldn't have intervened. Ultimately, it’s my responsibility to ensure I’m treated justly, and boundaries are a crucial tool in achieving that.

This event marked the beginning of my journey in boundary-setting at work. Previously, I had been hesitant to voice my opinions or refuse requests, often opting for politeness even when it conflicted with my desires. This led to feelings of bitterness and resentment, which I would then express to my coworkers. It was an unsatisfactory way to function in a professional setting. However, I committed to establishing boundaries—a process that started with nervous hesitations and trembling words, but eventually evolved into a calm and assertive approach. Now, I pause briefly after stating my limits, reminding myself why they are essential and the repercussions of ignoring them.

I observed colleagues who effortlessly set boundaries, serving as excellent role models. I once overheard a coworker assertively establishing several limits in a short time: "Let's get started because I need to leave in an hour," and "I can only dedicate my afternoon to this." She clearly communicated her time constraints ahead of time, not waiting for them to be challenged. It seemed second nature to her; she regularly clarified what she would and wouldn't do, expecting respect for her wishes. I admired her confidence and aimed to emulate her ease in boundary-setting.

"The inner work is a form of rinsing our 'no' of the residue of the past, working through the defensiveness or the fear it may be laced with, so that when expressed, it can be 'clean,' ringing with the power, clarity, and radiance of the true self. This creates incredible momentum in one's life as each situation becomes an opportunity to live into your truth. Each 'no' is a doorway into your greater 'yes.'" — Bethany Webster, Female Assertiveness, Stop Resolving the Tension

Boundaries at work encompass a range of strategies. Failing to set them can result in excessive overtime, assuming tasks that aren't mine, losing sight of priorities, struggling with difficult coworkers, and not managing criticism effectively. I've found that the best strategies for dealing with challenging coworkers include establishing boundaries, enhancing self-advocacy skills, and maintaining assertiveness. Here are some examples of what boundary-setting looks like in practice:

• Saying "no" to tasks or projects that aren't my responsibility.
• Not internalizing unfair critiques.
• Advocating for myself when necessary.
• Protecting my schedule by starting and ending meetings punctually.
• Guarding my focus by minimizing disruptions.
• Prioritizing important tasks and avoiding distractions from less critical ones.
• Allowing myself to submit work that meets a "B-level" standard to maintain work-life balance.

Defending myself against criticism is another form of boundary-setting. Many individuals fear facing critique when trying something new, which can be stressful, especially when working with overly critical people. I often feel anxious when confronted with unfamiliar tasks. It's easy to internalize criticism, but I strive to be mentally resilient, rejecting any false or unfair judgments of myself and my work. I acknowledge critical voices but choose to maintain a more balanced self-assessment and avoid engaging in lengthy discussions that won't change the other person's perspective.

Along similar lines, I make it a priority to address negative behaviors that affect me in the workplace. I've encountered colleagues who constantly complain about management decisions, disliked projects, or other team members. Additionally, some coworkers did not respect time limits and disrupted my workflow. I’ve had to confront these issues by asking them to lower their volume when complaining near me, as it hinders my concentration. I’ve also excused myself from meetings that extended beyond the scheduled time and proposed dedicated times to discuss certain topics to prevent energy-draining interruptions.

I used to struggle with perfectionism, often delaying project submissions out of fear that my work wouldn't meet expectations. I would obsessively proofread emails, which, while reducing mistakes, significantly slowed my productivity. My perfectionism stemmed from an intense fear of failure. Fortunately, I managed to overcome this fear with the support of encouraging colleagues. They helped me navigate my slip-ups rather than criticize me, leading me to realize that minor imperfections can easily be overlooked.

"Saying 'no' is a form of empowerment. Saying 'no' is a way of taking responsibility for myself." — Bethany Webster

The flip side of establishing boundaries is enhancing self-advocacy and assertiveness. It’s crucial to learn to speak up for oneself. Have you ever noticed that the quiet member of a team rarely gets recognized for their contributions? It’s the more vocal team members who make their opinions heard, propose solutions, and ask insightful questions. A few years ago, I was timid in my role, making it challenging to voice my suggestions. However, I found that writing down my questions beforehand helped me articulate my thoughts clearly and feel more prepared.

A significant opportunity arose for me during a live taping of an All Hands Meeting, which was broadcast to my entire business unit. With eight hundred people, including directors and VPs, in attendance, I recognized it as a chance to engage and demonstrate my commitment. All Hands Meetings serve as a platform for team members to connect with upper management and share insights about the organization. Throughout the meeting, I attentively listened for topics that intrigued me, jotting down a question that I would like to ask.

When the coordinator opened the floor for questions, I raised my hand, and to my surprise, she handed me the microphone. My heart raced as I read my question aloud, "Hello everyone. I’m from the supply chain management team. In your opinion, what is the biggest area where we are currently underperforming, and how can we improve?"

The moment passed quickly, but I felt proud for seizing the opportunity to speak up rather than sitting back. It would have been easy to let the moment slip away, but I recognized the importance of participation. Being visible during the webcast was beneficial for my career, and I made a habit of asking at least one question in every All Hands Meeting, often receiving positive feedback from colleagues afterward. I knew management noticed my engagement, and it contributed to my professional reputation.

Additionally, I found it essential to remind others of my achievements and advocate for myself when opportunities arise. Managers can become preoccupied with their responsibilities and may overlook individual contributions. Worse still are those colleagues who attempt to claim credit for my work. Therefore, I keep a journal of my accomplishments and refer to it during promotion applications. Highlighting my past successes boosts my confidence and reinforces my value at work.

Establishing boundaries and self-advocacy are intertwined, fostering a more enjoyable work-life. By preventing myself from entering unwanted situations that lead to frustration, I can maintain my happiness and productivity. I've observed colleagues who become overwhelmed with projects they dislike, and I've seen how it affects their work experience. By demonstrating self-awareness and strong boundaries, I position myself positively within the workplace, which may even lead to opportunities for advancement. After all, effective managers navigate their responsibilities successfully because they maintain healthy boundaries.

Learn effective strategies for setting boundaries at work in this TED series.

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