A Call to Action

I urge everyone—our leaders, our voters, all of us—to take a stand. We must put an end to Johnny Depp’s role.

Every moment spent recycling a plastic bottle, sipping from a reusable straw, or contacting your representatives could be better spent planning a raid on Johnny Depp’s beach house, which I assume resembles an abandoned pirate ship off the coast of Miami.

Once you locate it, consider this plan:

Picture this: you break into his prop ship. Upon entering, you sneak to the captain's quarters where he lies asleep. He’s sprawled out, pants half-down, one leg resting on the bed. A half-empty rum bottle is in one hand, and the DVD of the 2015 film Mortdecai is clutched in the other. He’s dressed in full Jack Sparrow attire, which doesn’t suit him at all. Between snores, he mumbles, “Where’s the rum?” in his dreams.

Now, it’s time to pilfer his pirate rings. First, raise your arms above your head as if to frighten someone, then stealthily tiptoe like a cartoon character toward the shabby dresser.

Accidentally stepping on a small dog that yelps and scurries out of the room, you freeze. Thankfully, he remains asleep—phew!

But wait! A barred metal gate has slammed shut behind you, trapping you with the sleeping Johnny Depp. You must escape before he wakes up. The little dog is just out of reach, holding the gate keys in its mouth.

If only you could get those keys…

You kneel by the gate and call out to the dog. “Here, doggy, doggy!”

The dog hops over so you can snag the keys. What a silly little creature!

Using the keys, you unlock both the gate and Johnny’s secret treasure chest, cautiously lifting the lid.

Prrrbbtt. What was that? Oh, yikes! Johnny farted in his sleep. That’s unpleasant.

Waving away the smell, you swiftly grab the scimitars and rings from the chest, stuffing them into a bandana tied to a stick. You hoist it over your shoulder like a true adventurer.

With stealth, you dash across the room and escape without a sound.

Congratulations, you just raided Johnny Depp’s beach house! He’ll be fired from his iconic role as Captain Jack Sparrow for carelessly losing Disney’s precious movie props.

Keep in mind, the way he performs in those films does more harm to the Earth than fracking.

Kudos on saving humanity!

In all honesty, I’m just throwing out ideas. You decide the best course of action, as long as it leads to him stepping down or being replaced in the role.

Let’s work together to create a sustainable world for the future.

The solution lies right before us, likely in that abandoned ship off the southern tip of Fisher Island, near the Fisher Island Beach Club.

Moreover, casting directors Ronna Kress and Jennifer Alessi clearly have atrocious taste and lack the ability to assess an actor’s pirate performance.

It’s disheartening. Whoever auditioned against Johnny probably shed tears during the process, demonstrating the talent required to cry while wearing pirate makeup.

But alas, two inept casting directors can make decisions that not only produce a series of poorly received films featuring the most exaggerated pirate performances imaginable but also single-handedly threaten the future of our planet.

So go ahead, try raiding the ship. Who knows what you might find?

Let’s unite to protect our endangered Earth.

Yours sincerely, A Dedicated Climate Scientist.

More from Austin Adams:

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