Chapter 1: The Pizza Predicament

In the wake of the past couple of years, one might wonder if we've truly gained any insights into office culture.

I’m not here to gripe about the substitution of bonuses or salary increases with pizza parties, nor am I criticizing the half-hearted efforts by companies to uplift employee morale without making a real financial commitment. Instead, I want to address our collective struggle to choose pizzas for a group during events like work lunches or office birthday celebrations.

To clarify, while my advice may stem from my local context, let’s be real—these guidelines are applicable everywhere. Even if you're situated in the most secluded corner of Antarctica, these insights hold true.

The formula for selecting pizzas is surprisingly straightforward:

Pizza Type — — — — — — — — — -Calculation

Pepperoni — — — — — — — — —-# People/2 (rounded up)

Cheese — — — — — — — — — — — # People/4 (rounded down)

Supreme — — — — — — — — — — # People/8 (rounded up)

Gluten-Free Cheese — — — — — — # People/20 (rounded up)

Vegetarian — — — — — — — — — — — -# People/40 (rounded down)

Other — — — — — — — — — — — -# N/A

This can be easily validated. Just think back to your last office pizza gathering: the pepperoni invariably disappears first, no matter how many you order, while cheese tends to satisfy most non-pepperoni eaters, especially in larger gatherings.

Those who require gluten-free or vegetarian options typically prefer to arrange their own meals. Unless you're catering for a crowd exceeding, say, 20 attendees, you're likely to end up with a single slice left untouched while the rest goes to waste. Vegetarians usually go for the cheese pizza, while those avoiding gluten might find themselves nibbling on plain ice.

If these calculations don’t add up to a perfect hundred percent, feel free to throw in an extra pepperoni or, if you happen to be in a hip spot like Boulder or Seattle, consider adding another cheese.

I trust you’ll find this information valuable. It simply had to be stated.

Chapter 2: Conclusion on Pizza Party Planning

By embracing these simple rules, we can elevate the experience of office gatherings and make pizza parties a bit less chaotic and more enjoyable for everyone involved.