Navigating the Complexities of Parent-Child Relationships
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Chapter 1: The Farmer and the Snake
In my mind, I've often envisioned how I might express my longstanding grievances.
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Section 1.1: A Lesson from Nature
Have you heard the tale of the farmer and the snake? If you haven't, it comes with a rather unfortunate conclusion. (Few stories involving snakes end on a positive note.)
One winter morning, as the farmer wandered through his fields, he stumbled upon a snake that appeared lifeless. Upon closer inspection, he realized the creature was merely frozen. Though it crossed his mind to abandon the snake, he chose instead to place it within his coat to revive it.
To his dismay, once the snake regained its strength, it bit him. Confused, the farmer exclaimed, "I showed you kindness! Why would you do this?" The snake replied, "Why are you surprised? You knew I was a snake when you picked me up."
Moral Stories succinctly captures the lesson: some individuals never change, regardless of how well we treat them.
This resonates with me deeply, especially in relation to my mother. I often find myself harboring the unrealistic hope that an emotionally unsteady parent might be able to listen to their adult child's difficult emotions—specifically those concerning the parent themselves. Unfortunately, the reality is that such parents often lack the capacity to do so.
Section 1.2: The Struggle to Be Heard
I’m not labeling my mother a snake; rather, I'm acknowledging her consistent inability to comprehend experiences that diverge from her own perspective.
"What do you want from me, J.C.?!?" she called out from behind her screen door as I sat dejectedly on the porch. "What do you want me to do?"
"I don’t know, maybe listen?" I cautiously responded.
At that point, I hadn’t yet attended therapy or explored concepts like emotional regulation or personality disorders. I only knew that my mother frequently exhibited demanding and unpredictable behavior, and I had a flicker of hope that by sharing my feelings, I could uncover the reasons behind our struggles.
I had grown accustomed to navigating our interactions with extreme caution, always anxious about misstepping. Yet, I held on to the belief that if I just tried hard enough, I could mend our relationship.
But my mother dismissed my plea with laughter. "Me, listen?!? You talk so much!"
Despite her living just a few miles away, she remained oblivious to my daily life. How could I be the one labeled as overly talkative?
That conversation took place nearly two years ago, and it marked the moment I realized I could never truly confide in her because she was incapable of truly listening.
Chapter 2: The Reality of Emotional Immaturity
When your children no longer want to visit their grandparents, it signals a deeper issue.
Many adult children are awakening to the painful truth that their parent's emotional immaturity prevents them from fulfilling the roles we’ve yearned for them to occupy.
Even though I’ve come to accept this, the desire to be understood by our parents remains strong. I still find myself daydreaming about what it would feel like if my mother could genuinely hear me.
My intention wouldn’t be to embarrass or accuse her; I would simply wish for acknowledgment and understanding.
What I would express is this: I believe you did your best, but it’s possible for both to be true: you tried hard, yet some of your actions were harmful to me, even if unintentional.
I’ve often felt that sharing my feelings puts you on the defensive, so I've chosen to keep them to myself. However, my feelings are valid regardless of your agreement.
I harbor anger for having to choose you over Dad during your divorce. I feel resentment for always being the one to listen to your issues while you show little interest in mine.
I’m frustrated that you view any boundary I set as rebellion. I have the right to say no, regardless of your feelings.
I suspect that the reasons you feel bitterness toward your own parents mirror the pain you've caused me. It’s unjust that you had to shoulder their emotional burdens, and the shame they imposed on you for expressing yourself was wrong.
A generational cycle has formed, stifling us all. The trauma you inherited from your parents was unwarranted, and I didn't deserve the pain you passed down to me. However, healing is our shared responsibility.
By acknowledging this, I hope we can forge a different path together. After sharing all of this, I can imagine my mother’s response—after a long pause—would likely be, "How could you say that after everything I've done for you?"
Section 2.1: Taking Back Control
For a long time, I was unaware that I could even consider this option. Here’s how I reclaimed my power.
I often ponder: If I were to express my feelings to my mother, what would I hope to accomplish?
While I don’t harbor ill will toward her, I recognize the truth: the elusive gifts of understanding and validation would be welcome, but yearning for them is ultimately fruitless. I’ve said it before, and I’ll reiterate: people cannot offer what they do not possess.
Yet, I’d be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge another underlying desire: perhaps I’m seeking to alleviate the guilt that has lingered since childhood, the unjustified belief that disagreeing with my mother equates to betrayal.
Mental health therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab, in her latest book Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships, offers an insightful perspective on guilt:
"You may feel guilty when you make a choice that’s healthy for you but disappointing to others. But guilt isn’t necessarily an indication that you’re doing something wrong."
In my situation, I believe Tawwab's insight rings true.
My mother has taught me to prioritize her emotional needs above my own—it's not wrong for me to feel resentment about that.
She attempted to create a divide between my father and me for her own gain, and I’m justified in feeling bitterness.
My mother’s inability to hear my feelings is not something I should feel ashamed about.
Even if my mother never truly understands this, it’s important for me to express it nonetheless.
This first video, "This is a Song: Listen to Your Mom (Livestream)," explores the complexities of parent-child relationships and emphasizes the importance of being heard.
The second video, "Riley Roth - When God Made You My Mother (Official Audio)," touches on the emotional bond between mothers and children, highlighting both joy and struggle.
© Copyright J.C. Anne Brown, 2023
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Thank you,
J.C.