By Terry Gaspard

Recently, my husband and I marked 25 years of marriage, demonstrating our strong commitment to our second union. At our celebration, friends frequently inquired about our ability to sustain our relationship over two decades. While there are multiple factors contributing to our success, two key elements stand out: effectively managing and resolving conflicts, and prioritizing our marriage.

It's essential to approach conflict as an opportunity for growth and understanding about your partner. This mindset increases the likelihood of finding joy in your second marriage.

Be prepared for challenges in remarried life. The complexities of blending families can be overwhelming, and it may take years for a new family dynamic to stabilize. Conflicts and rivalries, particularly between stepparents and stepchildren, can lead to everyday stress and chaos.

Experts suggest that it can take up to four years for a remarried family to achieve balance. For example, Justin and Maggie were unprepared for the conflicts that arose between their children. Justin, a licensed couples therapist, believed he had the skills to navigate these issues, but quickly realized that maintaining objectivity within his own family was challenging.

Justin shared, “I just wanted my two daughters to bond with Maggie’s three girls during weekends, but I didn’t foresee all the drama and yelling. At times, I needed to escape to Starbucks just to regroup or get some work done.”

Maggie added, “That’s so true! One of Justin’s daughters, Lizzie, is a sweet kid, but being eight, she gets jealous of my time with her dad and can overreact to minor issues. We have to acknowledge her feelings, so Justin has been dedicating Sunday mornings to one-on-one time, like bike rides or walks, which seems to help. We stay attentive to our other kids' emotional needs too.”

Embrace Vulnerability and Take Risks

Taking the time to consider what type of marriage suits you can be a silver lining after divorce, allowing you to enter your second marriage with clarity. You can create a more rewarding second marriage by being open about your needs and fostering vulnerability.

Honesty and communication are crucial in a second marriage. Author Marcia Naomi Berger notes that many couples mistakenly believe that a healthy marriage means resolving all conflicts. She writes: “It’s not the presence of conflict that strains a relationship; it’s how couples respond to it. Positive and respectful communication regarding differences is vital for a thriving marriage.”

Furthermore, relationship expert Dr. John Gottman explains that happy couples do not necessarily experience fewer conflicts than unhappy ones. He states that 69% of marital problems are unresolvable but can be managed. Gottman emphasizes, “Successful couples know how to exit an argument.” Engaging in respectful, timely discussions about issues enhances your ability to repair, recover from disagreements, and build a lasting relationship.

When entering a second marriage, individuals often bring emotional baggage from their first marriage that can undermine the new relationship if not addressed. Additionally, a second marriage typically involves more family members, such as children from previous relationships, stepchildren, or even new children. Couples sometimes rush into marriage without fully understanding each other.

8 Key Strategies for a Successful Remarriage:

1. Foster a Relaxed Environment: Spend time with your partner in new ways—change the conversation topic, use humor to lighten the mood, or express appreciation with gestures like “I love when you cuddle with me on the couch.” Enjoy nature walks to promote positive communication.
2. Encourage Open Dialogues: Address concerns of all family members openly. Expect some heated discussions, particularly on sensitive topics like finances, custody, or vacations. Set ground rules for respectful communication, such as prohibiting name-calling or yelling.
3. Avoid Resentment: Share your thoughts and feelings respectfully and promptly. Don’t shy away from discussing hurt feelings, especially on significant issues. This sets a positive example for children and stepchildren who may not have witnessed healthy conflict resolution in their previous family dynamics.
4. Address Conflicts Privately: Discuss serious conflicts in private, but hold regular informal family meetings where everyone feels heard to address family issues. Focus on understanding each other rather than proving a point.
5. Practice Apology and Forgiveness: Apologize sincerely, even if your intention was not to hurt anyone. Be specific about your actions and express your desire for forgiveness. Remember, forgiving doesn’t mean condoning hurtful actions; it allows you to move forward as a united front.
6. Prioritize Your Marriage: Commit to doing enjoyable activities as a couple, both with and without children. Regular date nights, even simple ones like walks or casual meals, can enrich your relationship.
7. Bridge Differences in Parenting: As a stepparent, adopt a supportive, friendly role rather than a disciplinary one. Collaborate on parenting strategies and share ideas.
8. Avoid Ultimatums: Refrain from making threats like “I’ll leave if things don’t change.” Remove the word “divorce” from your conversations. Commit to staying together, barring abuse, and recognize that there will be ups and downs. Clear discussions about expectations can prevent misunderstandings.

Successful remarried couples engage in constructive disagreements that resemble discussions rather than arguments, enhancing their communication skills. They’ve mastered the art of bouncing back from conflicts healthily. Accepting that conflict is a natural part of marriage and that not all problems require resolution allows couples to recover quickly and cultivate love, trust, and intimacy.

Ultimately, the best way to increase the likelihood of success in your second marriage is to embrace vulnerability and prioritize conflict resolution with your partner. Determination, respect, acceptance, patience, and a good sense of humor significantly enhance your chances of a successful second marriage.

Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Her book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.

Terry's latest book, The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, was published by Sounds True in February 2020.